"I searched the depths of my soul to find ways to fully participate in life again, trying to tuck away any sign of my disability. When I fell short, I blamed myself for being incompetent. I saw failure. I felt I was a failure....Feelings of guilt and not measuring up were my biggest stumbling blocks. I needed to identify where my feelings of guilt and denial were coming from in order to find freedom. This part of the journey was going to be rough. The outcome would depend on my perseverance to prevail over unwarranted guilt. I needed God's guidance to do this, and only He could walk me through the foggy haze of justified guilt verses unwarranted guilt. Clearly understanding and recognizing each form of guilt would bring tremendous freedom and peace to my soul."
[Excerpt from my book Worthy In His Eyes: Part Three: Valley of Emotional Turmoil...Chapter One: Battling Guilt]
LOOKING BACK: This chapter and the next were very hard to write. Guilt is not something folks want to talk about, read about or even acknowledge. Yet it was a fierce foe, trying to keep me from moving forward.
God is so patient with us. He clearly showed me [through my own mistakes] that feelings of guilt due to willful disobedience of attempting to do things I used to do was justified. I was ignoring the professionals' advice and I was resisting HIS guidance. Not a good place to be in and the guilt I experienced because I saw myself as a failure instead of recognizing the need to adhere to limitations needed to be placed at His feet. I needed to ask forgiveness.
I also needed to ask forgiveness for blaming myself when I couldn't meet expectations---personal or otherwise---because of my newly acquired disability. Satan would whisper lies to me....that I was letting others down, I was a failure, a disappointment or worthless because I couldn't do the things I used to do. Believing him produced unjustified guilt which ripped me apart. It made me lose sight of God's guidance and His desire for me to trust Him completely--with the disability.
God loves us so incredibly much. He will step back at times....but never away from us. He'll let us struggle through some battles on our own so we become stronger and can better understand Him. His love, forgiveness and strength will renew our souls. He will bring clarity and He will revitalize our weary and worn-out spirit.
I had been losing sight of my worthiness in HIS eyes, striving to find that worth in the world's eyes instead. I learned to seek HIS truth instead of frantically trying to fight the truth of my disability. These were crucial steps toward seeking my worthiness in God's eyes.....not the world's.
"Those who know your name trust in you, for you, O LORD, do not abandon those who search for you."
[Psalm 9:10 NLT]
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